My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
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