This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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