I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Randomize
