I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I lost the right to judge tonight
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
