Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
