I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
