Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
