you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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