thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
