Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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