Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
