I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
