Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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