I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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