Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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