I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
