I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
