Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
All I want is dick and wine.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
