I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize