I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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