I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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