I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I skipped work to stalk him.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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