yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
