Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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