If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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