My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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