Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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