How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize