Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
