I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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