Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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