The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize