Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
