I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize