I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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