my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
