Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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