My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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