Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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