Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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