When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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