i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
