He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
