i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
