Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
