i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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