Yo dont text me then not text me
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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