When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I pour the whiskey from now on
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
