I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
What drink are we having for lunch?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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