remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We just shotgunned beers for America
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
