peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
