I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
