tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
