I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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