party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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