We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
