i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
