Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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