i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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