he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Your topless pictures make me question reality
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
