This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
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