the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
