My liver just broke up with me...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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