Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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