You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
cat food counts as protein by the way
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
