I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
