Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My balls are so social today.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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