Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
