I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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