Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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