right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
we're so committed to being not committed
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
