new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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