Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
